Too much at once

           My guitar instructor says I'm doing really well. Even though I would disagree with him. I think it surprised him that I had one of the estudios and its dynamics memorized. It's a shorter piece though, and memorizing it is way easier than reading the notes every time I try to play. The duet thing is getting better. Heh, I'm still the one making all the mistakes.

           I've only been playing guitar for a about a year though. Maye I'm being a little hard on myself. I'll admit, I never thought I'd be playing classical guitar this time last year. I wouldn't have thought I could do this. That I could be a music major.           

          I've been questioning if I should be majoring in music. I thought God wanted (should I be saying 'wants'?) me to. Should I be questioning myself? I feel like no one really believes that I can do it. They're all just waiting for me to realize it and say that maybe it's not for me after all. Am I just question myself because everyone else is? Or do I need to be questioning myself?

            Sometimes I feel like I'm the one behind everyone else. Everyone moves on with life and achieves things before I'm ever even close to the same stage. I'm the one everyone leaves behind.

          It doesn't help that a friend from work is leaving work now. Probably leaving town. He moves around a lot in general. I'll miss him.

           It makes me think about how much I've been wanting to look for a new job recently. And how much I'd rather not be here. In this town. At this college. It makes me feel even more restless than I already am.

           It has nothing to do with my family and friends. I love them so much. And I'll miss them all when one day I move away.

           A while ago, I felt empty and drained. I needed to spend more time with God. It was like I felt numb to Him, His love, and to other people. So I prayed about it. And now everywhere I turn, I see people hurting and lonely and in pain. I'm sad for them; I hurt for them. I asked God to let me feel something, and now I feel the sorrows of all the world. I don't know what to do with it all, except pray for them.

            And the more I see, the more restless I feel.

           I know none of this seems connected. But somehow it is. Maybe it's only connected because it's all going on in one individual. How can so much go on in one person? I feel like I'm not doing anything right.

           I talked to God about my restlessness. "Am I where You want me to be?"

           For some reason, I could just see Him smiling at me in that all-knowing way of His. Not patronizing. Lovingly. Like He knows it's all going to work out and He loves me even when I'm so confused and frustrated with myself.

           It was like He said, "You are exactly where I want you to be right now."
          
           And I said, "What? Where do You mean? At school? In music? At work? In this town? In seeing everyone's pain and hurting for them and loving them anyways? In my feeling of restlessness?"
          
           He just kept smiling and said, "In everything."
          
           Honestly, a part of me is still a little frustrated. "Why do You have to be so vague?" But then there's a part of me that truly is comforted by that. Maybe, maybe I'm doing something right. Somehow, I'm where God wants me even if it doesn't feel like it. If there's one thing I've learned, sometimes, most of the time, feelings are scheming liars. Truth is something you know. It's not something you feel.

           I really like this song by Switchfoot. With this feeling of restlessness, I've realized that the only restless feeling I have that is based on something I know, that I know, that I know. Something so true. It's that the only thing worth living for in this life is God. Being restless to know my Jesus more each day, to become closer to Him, and the hope of standing right beside Him and seeing Him face to face, that is the only stable thing in life. God is the only stable thing I need.