Re-appearance

              Guess what? No school tomorrow!! There was a smallish ice storm, so I am excited. :)
 
           I don't really know what to talk about. School has its fits sometimes. It gets sour, good, worse, up and down and over again. Too many people. Too many problems. Too much sadness that is taken as normal life. Right now in choir we are working on choreography for our spring musical. That is. . . interesting. I'm not an outgoing person. I don't like being up on stage, acting crazy. So I'm definitely out of my comfort zone. But maybe out of my comfort zone is a good thing sometimes.

           I've been thinking a lot lately. And, you know something? I think I think too much.

           No really. I need to start trusting God more. To just let Him do what He wants in me. To stop worrying about where He's taking me and enjoy the journey. To stop worrying about what people think of me and how they see me react, and just be myself. Why is it hard to not be myself around everyone, everywhere? It makes no sense. You'd think being yourself would be the most natural thing in the world. Reality doesn't always make sense. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it did.

           But if reality was always logical and rational, there'd be no such thing as grace. Nothing like compassion. And forget love. Real love is impossible to fathom with your head. So it makes no sense. But it's more livable-friendly.

             I really want to practice guitar right now. Night all!

Too much at once

           My guitar instructor says I'm doing really well. Even though I would disagree with him. I think it surprised him that I had one of the estudios and its dynamics memorized. It's a shorter piece though, and memorizing it is way easier than reading the notes every time I try to play. The duet thing is getting better. Heh, I'm still the one making all the mistakes.

           I've only been playing guitar for a about a year though. Maye I'm being a little hard on myself. I'll admit, I never thought I'd be playing classical guitar this time last year. I wouldn't have thought I could do this. That I could be a music major.           

          I've been questioning if I should be majoring in music. I thought God wanted (should I be saying 'wants'?) me to. Should I be questioning myself? I feel like no one really believes that I can do it. They're all just waiting for me to realize it and say that maybe it's not for me after all. Am I just question myself because everyone else is? Or do I need to be questioning myself?

            Sometimes I feel like I'm the one behind everyone else. Everyone moves on with life and achieves things before I'm ever even close to the same stage. I'm the one everyone leaves behind.

          It doesn't help that a friend from work is leaving work now. Probably leaving town. He moves around a lot in general. I'll miss him.

           It makes me think about how much I've been wanting to look for a new job recently. And how much I'd rather not be here. In this town. At this college. It makes me feel even more restless than I already am.

           It has nothing to do with my family and friends. I love them so much. And I'll miss them all when one day I move away.

           A while ago, I felt empty and drained. I needed to spend more time with God. It was like I felt numb to Him, His love, and to other people. So I prayed about it. And now everywhere I turn, I see people hurting and lonely and in pain. I'm sad for them; I hurt for them. I asked God to let me feel something, and now I feel the sorrows of all the world. I don't know what to do with it all, except pray for them.

            And the more I see, the more restless I feel.

           I know none of this seems connected. But somehow it is. Maybe it's only connected because it's all going on in one individual. How can so much go on in one person? I feel like I'm not doing anything right.

           I talked to God about my restlessness. "Am I where You want me to be?"

           For some reason, I could just see Him smiling at me in that all-knowing way of His. Not patronizing. Lovingly. Like He knows it's all going to work out and He loves me even when I'm so confused and frustrated with myself.

           It was like He said, "You are exactly where I want you to be right now."
          
           And I said, "What? Where do You mean? At school? In music? At work? In this town? In seeing everyone's pain and hurting for them and loving them anyways? In my feeling of restlessness?"
          
           He just kept smiling and said, "In everything."
          
           Honestly, a part of me is still a little frustrated. "Why do You have to be so vague?" But then there's a part of me that truly is comforted by that. Maybe, maybe I'm doing something right. Somehow, I'm where God wants me even if it doesn't feel like it. If there's one thing I've learned, sometimes, most of the time, feelings are scheming liars. Truth is something you know. It's not something you feel.

           I really like this song by Switchfoot. With this feeling of restlessness, I've realized that the only restless feeling I have that is based on something I know, that I know, that I know. Something so true. It's that the only thing worth living for in this life is God. Being restless to know my Jesus more each day, to become closer to Him, and the hope of standing right beside Him and seeing Him face to face, that is the only stable thing in life. God is the only stable thing I need.


                                                                             

love and brokenness

Everyone is broken. It doesn't matter if someone's brokenness seems less dramatic than another person's. They're still broken. 

 Because everyone longs to be loved and wants to give love. But we're human. We mess up. We don't know the right way to love. But we try anyways with broken people left in our wake. 

We try so hard and search forever. But the only One who can show us how to love rightly, is also the only One who can satisfy our longing to be loved. He is the origin of real love. He's also the only One most people reject their whole life.

We want love. But we don't want to give in. Because we've been broken so many times before by false love. 

We don't have to afraid of God's love though. It's the real thing.Everyone is.

Tired

           Loving people hurts. Even if they don't know you're loving them and praying for them. Even if they could care less. It's just something God puts in your heart. And you hurt for them. Even when they don't realize their hurting, or when they won't admit their hurting. Or when you know they are hurting but it's not what they think it is. It's really because they don't have God to give them peace, to give them forgiveness, acceptance. To give them hope and rest. And it wears you out. It really does.

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

           There's people all over my work place who I hurt for. And most of the time I have no idea what to say to something of the things they say and do. All I know for certain that I can do is pray, to focus on God in my own life, and pray that God will give me the right words and attitude and not shrink back when He wants me to say or do something.