I played yesterday. So nervous. I thought I couldn't do it. But I stood backstage and remembered something. I didn't have to do it alone. I asked God to help me. To be there for me. I said, "God, I need You now." I realize I need to humble more often, and need God now. Because in reality, there is never and will never be a second that I won't need Him.
And we did it! God and I did it. :) I love to know that I can say that.
I've been really feeling kind of down lately because it seems no matter how hard I try, it's never enough. I still get bad grades. I still mess up. And sometimes I get weary of trying. I don't have enough strength for it anymore.
But you know something? God is my hope. He is my strength, and He is my everlasting. He will be there to keep it together when I can't. And I know it'll work out somehow. My grades will get better if I keep sincerely trying. The light bulb will go on. And I'll mess up. But God will pick me back up and always give me a chance to do it better next time.
And He gave me that hope yesterday on that stage with Him, my guitar, and me. That it'll be alright. Because I'm in His hands. And that's where I belong. And really, I don't want to belong anywhere else.
My guitar instructor says I'm doing really well. Even though I would disagree with him. I think it surprised him that I had one of the estudios and its dynamics memorized. It's a shorter piece though, and memorizing it is way easier than reading the notes every time I try to play. The duet thing is getting better. Heh, I'm still the one making all the mistakes.
I've only been playing guitar for a about a year though. Maye I'm being a little hard on myself. I'll admit, I never thought I'd be playing classical guitar this time last year. I wouldn't have thought I could do this. That I could be a music major.
I've been questioning if I should be majoring in music. I thought God
wanted (should I be saying 'wants'?) me to. Should I be questioning
myself? I feel like no one really believes that I can do it. They're all
just waiting for me to realize it and say that maybe it's not for me
after all. Am I just question myself because everyone else is? Or do I
need to be questioning myself?
Sometimes I feel like I'm the one behind everyone else. Everyone moves
on with life and achieves things before I'm ever even close to the same
stage. I'm the one everyone leaves behind.
It doesn't help that a friend from work is leaving work now. Probably leaving town. He moves around a lot in general. I'll miss him.
It makes me think about how much I've been wanting to look for a new job recently. And how much I'd rather not be here. In this town. At this college. It makes me feel even more restless than I already am.
It has nothing to do with my family and friends. I love them so much. And I'll miss them all when one day I move away.
A while ago, I felt empty and drained. I needed to spend more time with God. It was like I felt numb to Him, His love, and to other people. So I prayed about it. And now everywhere I turn, I see people hurting and lonely and in pain. I'm sad for them; I hurt for them. I asked God to let me feel something, and now I feel the sorrows of all the world. I don't know what to do with it all, except pray for them.
And the more I see, the more restless I feel.
I know none of this seems connected. But somehow it is. Maybe it's only connected because it's all going on in one individual. How can so much go on in one person? I feel like I'm not doing anything right.
I talked to God about my restlessness. "Am I where You want me to be?"
For some reason, I could just see Him smiling at me in that all-knowing way of His. Not patronizing. Lovingly. Like He knows it's all going to work out and He loves me even when I'm so confused and frustrated with myself.
It was like He said, "You are exactly where I want you to be right now."
And I said, "What? Where do You mean? At school? In music? At work? In this town? In seeing everyone's pain and hurting for them and loving them anyways? In my feeling of restlessness?"
He just kept smiling and said, "In everything."
Honestly, a part of me is still a little frustrated. "Why do You have to be so vague?" But then there's a part of me that truly is comforted by that. Maybe, maybe I'm doing something right. Somehow, I'm where God wants me even if it doesn't feel like it. If there's one thing I've learned, sometimes, most of the time, feelings are scheming liars. Truth is something you know. It's not something you feel.
I really like this song by Switchfoot. With this feeling of restlessness, I've realized that the only restless feeling I have that is based on something I know, that I know, that I know. Something so true. It's that the only thing worth living for in this life is God. Being restless to know my Jesus more each day, to become closer to Him, and the hope of standing right beside Him and seeing Him face to face, that is the only stable thing in life. God is the only stable thing I need.
Heh, I have a lot more studying to do this week. My guitar instructor is teaching me how to read music notes for the guitar. That's scary. And hard. And now I have to read sheet music for a duet. Ugh.
If I mess up by myself, that's one thing. But if someone else is in the mix and needs me to get it right too. . . Hello, pressure.
I've been doing this 30 day song challenge at my other blog. You post a different song every day for thirty days. The hard part is the every day part. You can check out here if you'd like.
When I finish doing it at [insert title here], I'll probably do it here at Life's Insanity with different songs.
The first choir concert is this Friday. And I'm on the front row. That's a little nerve-racking. But at least we're standing in our sections. That helps.
Thank You God for today. For second chances. For third chances. For loving us despite ourselves. For loving us even when we don't love You back. You are so humble, so strong. Nothing can break Your love. You give life and hope. Thank You.
I'm learning to play Forgiven by Skillet. Hopefully
I have the rhythm correct. I love this song. The lyrics are easy, and I love to
worship with it. Also I know all of the chords fairly well, except for the F
chord.
Well, I know how
to play an F chord. But changing from one chord to an F chord? Successfully
without any buzzing or muffled strings? Uh, no. But song has a lot of chord
changing, so I'm getting my practice in. I found it interesting that the song's
chords are mostly C, G, F, and with a little Am. My Dad told me once that my
grandpa says you can play most all songs if you know C, G, and F. It's proving
to be good advice.
The chord change
is really fast. I finally get my fingers all in the right place, and then I
have to change again. I've been working on it for a while, and I can tell that
I've progressed some. But still. . . I feel like I'm in a rut. Because I've
been trying to perfect this song for the last month or so.
Sometimes I just
drop the song and practice changing the chords instead. Try to find better or
faster ways to get my fingers in the right place at the right time.
Unfortunately my C chord now buzzes annoyingly, when before I had it down well.
I did find out
that if I stretch my fingers farther apart it normal sounds better, than if I
try to keep them close together. Makes sense, since they're all on different
frets. Even though my fingers are long, they don't much like parting company.
Well, they'll have to get used to it.
And I've been
practicing the F bar chord. Heh, I kind of play the cheater's version now for
Forgiven. But I will get there. One day. . .
So my practice
time has been frustrating recently. It's hard to enjoy it. To relax and unwind
with it like I used to. Perhaps I try too hard. Maybe it's possible to be
over-determined. For some reason I feel behind, like I should've gotten this
down by now, so I'm afraid to take a break.
But last night I
played outside. The night was cool and beautiful. With a hint of creepy. I knew
the night could be loud, but I wasn't expecting that much noise from the woods.
A couple times I could've been certain something watched me from trees. But I
played on. It had to be my imagination.
I let myself try
to play other songs. Ones I didn't have the tabs for, but I tried to recall by
memory and see if I could come up with something. It was fun, even though I
knew I wasn't playing it correctly. It was like I had to give myself permission
to mess up. That it was okay to just have fun with it. I alternated between
that, practicing Forgiven, and the F bar chord. Definitely less stressful.
I know the lyrics fairly
well, and have played along with Forgiven on my ipod. My timing was better than
I had expected on the chorus and my changing chords has improved some in the
chorus. So I got brave and tried singing along with it. And I was really
surprised-
I could actually do it!
Without messing up on the strumming. Not that I'm great at singing, but- Wow, I
could sing and play simultaneously! I had been sure I couldn't do it in a
million years. Shows what I know. I was so excited! That helped take away some
frustration too. I still can't sing the whole song without losing the strumming
pattern (the chorus' pattern is rather easy). All the same, now I know it's not
near impossible. I'm actually feeling rather encouraged.
And just in time,
I had been so discouraged because it was taking me awhile to get Forgiven down.
And the F chord. God sends you surprises at just the right time.
I signed up for guitar
private instruction this semester. Today my teacher called me about when to
meet with me and talk about what we'll be learning. He's trying to convince me
to be a part of guitar ensemble. I really want to. I need to be around other
people who play guitar. Share in musical comradeship. :) But I need to work
too. So I'll pray about it.
I
really have little excuse. Except that I've been rather burned-out. My
mind is every where right now. And I can seem to focus like I used to.
The other day I picked up a book at the library on teaching yourself
the guitar. What I didn't realize was that it was for classical guitar. I
had no idea what classical guitar was exactly, but I was pretty sure it
wasn't what I normally listen to. All the same, I'm all for trying
something new. Especially if it has to do with the guitar.
So today I typed in 'classical guitar' to see if I could find out what
I'd be. . . attempting to learn. It's absolutely beautiful! I don't know
if I can do it. But I definitely like it. It sounds amazing. Every
individual sound, you can hear it.
An example:
(the Pink Panther-classical guitar, by Michael Lucarelli)
On another note, I finally found where I can actually buy Anthem Lights Covers album in CD format. There was a link to their online store under their music videos on YouTube. :P Should've figured that out sooner. Oh, well. I'm excited now. :)
I also finally finished The Fellowship of the Ring. I wrote a post on it at my writing blog here.
This is my guitar, Antony Rogue. Rogue because, well, that's his brand name I suppose.- it's tagged inside him. And Antony, because, I liked it and it seemed to fit him. Am I too old to be naming my guitar?
Uh, yes. But that's okay.
Antony's action was recently lowered. He's much easier on my fingers now. The only down side is when someone else has me play their guitar, it's action is usually higher than what I'm used to. But I press on. :)
I don't really use a pick. Just my thumb. I've tried to use a pick, but I can't strum very well with it. It also sounds different, more metallic, if that makes any sense. I prefer to use my thumb.
I haven't practiced guitar yet today. And it's almost tomorrow. Hm. I'll have to hurry.
I looked at one of the videos of I Saw the Lord/You are Holy by Chris Tomlin. The rhythm I strum is a little different than what it's supposed to be. That was a little disappointing, but my best friend says that you kind of just make it up. I'd like to be at least close to what it's supposed to sound like. I like it though.
But I've definitely been strumming too fast. It is a really slow song. A really, really sloooow song. I'd like to video it once I get it down. But I don't know if the video thing on the laptop works very well. :P And singing while playing is out of the question. Though I don't really sing anyways.
I'd like to learn Lord I Lift Your Name on High. That is one of my favorite worship songs. We used to sing it often when I was in kids church, but we don't seem to sing it much anymore in worship service.
Here's a video of Coffey Anderson playing it. He's awesome. I can't do all that fancy stuff he's doing; I don't even know what he's doing! But I'd like to be able to do it one day. It sounds amazing.
Do you play an instrument? What is it and what are you presently learning?
So my best friend has also decided to commit to learning to play the
guitar. As of yesterday. Her brother has showed her a few chords, like,
years and years ago. So she knows a few things. Today she came over and
we played and practiced and were all over google and youtube learning
things. All. Day. Long.
It's been total madness!
We did bake cookies though. So, small break, yes. Small break.
One day. Two or three songs. Too many chords. Brain-over load! How does she remember all this stuff?!
I'm glad though. Really, I am. It's nice to have someone to play with.
It's motivating too. I learn something and then I show her. And then she
learns something and she shows me. It's very, very motivating actually.
I've been wanting someone to practice with.
Now I have someone. In my best friend. Who can't put the guitar down for anything.
Oh, I was going to take a picture of my guitar (his name is Antony
Rogue, by the way, and, yes, Antony, not Anthony). But the camera has
gone A.W.O.L. Very rude of it. It will return. . . some time.
My brain is close to mush. Sleep is what it needs. And better nutrition
than chocolate chip cookies. It needs to write also. When I don't write
in my WIP, I've realized that's when I start making up odd stories,
that aren't quiet legitimate stories.
For instance, I
texted my mom. While she was with her friends at dinner. I do believe I
made a nuisance of myself. Hey, I had to amuse myself somehow. Word for
word:
me: Oh, wonderful an wise mommy, where might the
megamind movie be (since you are the only one who knows where anything
is in this house)?
mom: I don't know
me: I was hoping for a more specific answer. You can't even give us a map or anything?
me: You are holding it for ransom. I'm sure of it.
me: Well, let me tell you, oh, wonderful and wise mommy, we will not
pay your ransom demands, no matter how petty they are, in the name of
principle.
me: Instead we will! We will- uh, simply, welll. . .Go without watching the movie. Yeah, that's the best i've got.
mom: It's possible in the van (gives me loads to go on, doesn't she?)
me: And you call that an ANSWER!!!!? No. No fulfilled ransom demands for you. We are quite content with our treasure planet, thank you.
So if you think me rather odd, it's been like that all day. Unfortunately for my mother dearest.
On the side though, I've been considering changing the background and
layout of the blog. As well as the title. "little nothings" seems fairly
popular. Along with my username. It's kind of popular too. :P So what
do you think? Any ideas about the coming change? For the fun of it, an Anthem Lights song. Because I like Anthem Lights and, well, it's been awhile since there's been one on here. And I will learn a B chord. And I will learn this song.
I got my guitar back yesterday! It feels so much better now that the action is lowered. The best part is that it sounds better too. And, AND-
I played an F chord!
I'm so excited! The lower action did make it much easier and I was able to get all the strings down without any of them buzzing. I might just get more attached to my guitar. I don't think I'll be wanting a new one soon.
I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. Our internet was down yesterday, or else you would have already read this. :) I was very excited. Not that it showed much on the outside (mostly because there's no one around who I could tell and they would care, but that's okay, I'll tell you).
I should take a photo of my guitar to show to you. That would be neat. I'll work on that.
I'm a little sad. I still have not been able to purchase Anthem Lights' new album, Covers. Our small town doesn't have it. I've considered purchasing it from their site. That might be better. I'll look into that in a second here.
I would love to go to an Anthem Lights concert. That would be awesome. I never been. A friend of mine told me about them. So I youtubed Anthem Lights. And (obviously) I found them marvelous. Or I wouldn't be going on and on about them. :) Anyhow. Maybe I'll end with one of their songs. I have a hard time choosing a favorite. It used to be Where the Light is. That is an awesome song. But Can't Get Over You is really good too. I like the acoustic version best. All their acoustic versions are amazing! I wish I could play guitar like that.
Speaking of which. My guitar. My beaten-up, needs-a-case-but-I'm-considering-getting-a-new-guitar-instead, guitar. (I really don't know why I'm specifying which guitar, since I only have one?) It's string broke Friday. The bottom one. The other E. (Why is there two E strings? I still haven't figured that out.)
So I went to get new strings and while I was at it I asked the guy at the music shop if they can lower the action on my guitar. (It's amazing our town even has a music shop.) He said, "Yeah, we do that all the time." So I'm going to take it to get the action lowered tomorrow. I'm so excited. I'm hoping that will help me with the F chord. I've been trying to play it for a month or so now and still haven't gotten it down. I was wondering if it was because my action was so high and if lower it would help. I don't know if it would help. And I don't really want my ability to play an F chord (or any chord) to rely on the height of the action, but perhaps when I get better, it won't matter at all.
But I'm even more excited, because then I'll be able to practice again! The music shop guy said I should wait to put the strings on after they lower the action, because they normally put new strings on it anyways since they have to take the old ones off. Which is nice. Except for the part about being unable to play guitar all weekend. And I had planned to get a lot of practice in. *sighs* Oh, well. Only tomorrow stands in my way now.
And don't misunderstand me. I just started learning to play guitar. So am I good? No. My fingers are still clumsy. And I have a hard time knowing if I have the rhythm of a song down or not. Or recognizing chords by ear. Can't do that either. But I will get there. One day. . .
Okay, back to Anthem Lights. Actually, I think I'll give you the In the Light. It's a cover featuring Jamie Grace. It's beautiful though; I like it better than the original. And one day I hope I can play that song on my guitar. I'm not sure if they have it on album or not. But here it is In the Light covered by Anthem Lights and Jamie Grace.
