Not Always Logical

           I did it.

           Something crazy.

           I may have actually 'taken a risk.' I don't ever do that.

           For a while now I've been praying about changing my major to music. I don't know much about music. I've not been playing guitar for a year yet, and over the spring semester I slacked on practicing to study. And I know nothing of reading notes. When I was in high school I tried to teach myself to play the keyboard, but the book I used wasn't very explanatory and the notes soon became too hard for me to read.

          Music is something that has always interested me. I've always wanted to play an instrument. But I've always been afraid. Silly. I know. Very silly. But my parents used to me of liking something or doing something because one of my friends did it, or because it was 'popular.' Although I've rarely liked anything for those reasons (especially since I don't keep track of what's popular). Also I was afraid I just plain couldn't do it. That I wouldn't follow through, or would waste my time because I was terrible.
           My biggest hold back was that my immediate family isn't considered very musical. At all. None of my siblings or me can sing. They don't play any instruments. Except my dad; he plays the drums.
          My dad's told me that my grandpa can hear a song on the radio once and then go play it on his guitar. That once my aunt left her band instrument out and my grandpa figured out how to play it in an hour. (I wish I could do that). But my Dad and grandpa are the only signs of musicality in my family.
           Nobody expects it from me. And I don't know. To my parents and other people, I'm a writer, a book-lover, the quiet person you only think about when you happen to see me. Not much. In a way, it didn't seem my place, or expected place, to learn music.

           I've always loved music, more than most people realize. It's how I worship, and, sometimes, how I pray. After the Bible, it's what opens the door to God for me. The communication between Him and me. And somehow, even more so in recent years, I've wanted to be able to replicate that for others. I'd like to be on a worship team. But I also think I'd like to be able to help write the music to songs, and help record too.

           All of that has seemed rather fanciful though. I prayed about it. A lot. Someone spoke over my life once. Someone who I don't know, who said that God told them to tell me, that I was going to have an impact in music. That person asked if I could sing. Uh, no. Play an instrument. No, but do I wish. He said I'd better get busy learning. I prayed much about what he's said. And have made a lot of excuses.

           It's just not logical that I would play music. In my head, it doesn't make sense.

           Two weeks ago, I called someone from the music department at the community college about changing my major to music. She said she'd talk to some people and call me back. I knew if I was serious about this I would have to take a music theory test. The homeschooler in me wasn't going to let me go into a test knowing nothing. So I scoured the library and internet for music theory basics.

           Have you ever made a deal with God? Sounds weird, maybe. Maybe. I agreed that if she called me back and the interview/meeting I had with her went well, I would change my major this semester. If she didn't call me back, then I would stay on as an English major, and we'd (God and I) talk more about music next semester (that should've told me what I needed to do, if I knew the matter just couldn't be over). Oh, and she'd have to contact me Thursday or before since she said that's when she'd meet with me- if that happened, or course.

           I was so certain that she just wouldn't call me back. Because, well, it's summer. She's probably busy. School is not on her mind right now. I'm just some random person she's never met. She'll forget about it certainly. Although she didn't seem like someone who forgets something she said she'd do when I talked on the phone with her. But I was convinced she would forget. Because. . . why would God want me to major in music? To do anything in music, beyond playing in my bedroom or on a worship team? This was just me wanting some silly, unattainable, child-like dream, like when I wanted to be an ice skater. He'd let her forget, because it wasn't what He wanted. It just wasn't logical, to me.
           I was so convinced I told my friend on Monday that I wouldn't be changing my major. I never do that if I'm still uncertain.

           Ahem, she called back. Tuesday. I had to go back to my friend- "Uh, you remember what I told you yesterday that I was for certain going to keep my major, uh, well. . ." 

           I was going crazy. In a good yet nervous way. I looked at the music classes  schedule. How would I have time for work? The work I need because I also now need a car? I could work evenings, and Saturdays. I prayed even harder that this was what God wanted. Because He would make it work out, somehow. He always makes things work out, not easily, because there's just no fun in that. Life is rarely convenient.

           When I met with the lady (she's really nice), we talked. She had me take the theory placement. You know how people say not to leave a test question blank, because if you guess at it then at least you have a chance? I didn't even know what to guess at! Especially with naming the individual notes. I tried to find some pattern. Make some kind of sense out of it. But music doesn't always have to be logical, I'm learning. I wasn't completely lost (thank you study time). I had to separate the measures on the staff, guessed at that too, but she said I had good rhythm, a little shaky, not perfect, but not too bad. I saw her make about three corrections that I wished she would explain because I so wanted to understand. She was very impressed that I knew what a double sharp looked like. No idea why.

             She asked me, "So do you want to do this?"
             I gave her a nervous smile and a not-too fast answer. "Sure."
             When she scheduled me for music classes, she didn't put me in remedial music theory. Hopefully that's a good thing. But she did put me in choir. Uh, I told her. But perhaps it needs emphasizing. I don't sing. Not because I don't want to. Just because, you don't want to hear me (sometimes I don't want to hear me).

           Now. I. am. nervous! This is insane. It's like learning a foreign language immersion style. Because music is another language. And, for me, it is immersion. Five days a week. (And again the homeschooler in me is hoping it can keep up her 4.0 GPA, while the rest of me tells her to be quiet because at this point that is just no longer relevant). The lady said that the first semester is what makes or breaks music majors. *chews fingernails* If you stick to it, do the work, and practice, you'll do splendid. But- but what if I just can't understand the work? And time? It's such an elusive thing.

          But at the same time. I am so excited. This is actually happening. And I can do this. If God thinks I can do this- if He is with me, then what's to stop me? I even already know some people who are in music . Which is good, I think. Because I'm not the best at making friends. Motivation can come from like-minded groups. And- and this is HAPPENING! (you know I'm excited when I succumb to all caps).

           So my point in this long-winded post? God is not always logical. He created it, yes. But He likes surprises too. He likes to show you just what really is possible. Maybe I need to stop putting God in a box. I didn't realize I was. But I did. I tried to put a lid on Him. There is no limit to what God can do. Walking around an enemy city and then screaming at it to defeat it is just not logical. But if God tells you to do it, then the walls will shatter under your sound waves. 

           *sighs* I still feel bad for Mr. Haedge of the choir room.